He came inside me again. And as usual he's already sleeping. Atlleast today he lasted for only 3 minutes. Where's that towel again, I have to wipe myself and go change my 6 months old son's diapers. Is there any more left? I wanted to ask him for money to buy pampers but as soon as he came inside the house he just undressed me and fucked me before I could say anything and now here he is sleeping. Maybe I should go ask Mama for R2.50 to go buy pampers ko makuleng. But she will shout at me as usual. She used to be so loving. I used to be her angel. That all changed after my first child. Now I have 4 kids and I'm still 19 years old. When I first got pregnant I was 14 years old. Haven't been to school ever since. I have no friends and the neighbours look at me very funny. I wonder what they'll say when they find out I'm also HIV positive.
I tried telling my mother once but she slapped me. She always slaps me when she gets drunk. Which is everyday. They call me sefebe here mo kasi and everyone laughs at me whenever I walk past them. They always talking about me. According to them I'm a loose slut. 19 years old school dropout with 4 children and oh did I forget to tell you I'm 5 weeks pregnant again? I know what you are thinking. I'm disgusting. I know, you are not the only one that tells me that. I hear it everyday. Every hour. Sometimes Mama wakes me up just to slap me and tell me how I'm an embarrassment to her and how she wishes I could just take my kids and leave her house. She tells me everyday how she wishes she never gave birth to me and that she's always praying me and my rotten kids could just die.
I've thought about that a lot of times. Killing myself I mean. But who will take care of my kids when I'm gone? My 5 year old especially. I've seen how he looks at her this days. I can never kill myself or even kill my kids. They are all i have in this world. No one can ever take that away from me. I've thought of leaving as well. But where can I pregnant teenager go with 4 kids? Is it my fault I was born a girl? Is it my fault I was born beautiful?
I look around the room again and I see my 5 year old daughter there by the door. Oh my God.. how long has she been standing there? Did she see everything that happened? I call her closer and I notice she's scared. "What is it my baby?" I ask her. She looks up into my eyes and sees my tears. "Has grandpa hurt you again Ma?". I pull her closer and hug her tighter while trying to hold back my tears. How do I tell my daughter that my biological father is also her biological father? How do I make her forget that she has seen my biological father rape me again for the hundredth time ever since I was 14 years old? Will she understand when I tell her not to tell anyone because no one will ever believe us and it would bring us only more trouble and curses?
Most importantly how will I ever be able to protect her from my father, her father, when she's older? How will she cope when my biological father tires of me and starts raping her instead? Does she understand that our father is a respected man in this community? Who will believe a sefebe over the chairperson of Community Policing Forum? Last year he pointed a gun at me and said if I tell anyone he will kill me... my very own father is the father of all my 4 children including the one in my stomach now plus the 3 I miscarried when he beat me... But what do you care? You have already judged me. I guess it is my fault after all. I should have "chosen" to be born a boy. I should have fought back my strong adult father harder even thou i was a skinny 14 year old when he started. It's ALL my fault. It's all my fault.