Love was the reason for my death

I know we all know her, we sympathize with her and some of us have offered her help but she refused to take it.

The woman that has left so many people wondering “why is she still with him after all the abuse ?”

Well, I am her.
Take a seat and hear me out.
There’s so much to say, however, I don’t have the right words to make you understand. I’ve seen how you have looked at me, with questions and today I am here to explain myself even though I speak from the grave.
I hope you will understand me and not only sympathize with me.

See, growing up, I was groomed to please a man. Every now and then I’d hear comments tsa gore “o tla nyala ke mang o le leshaedi, borokgo ba monna ke motshetshe, lapa le aga ke mosadi ” and with all of that, I made it a point to do anything to keep a man.

When I reached my late 20’s without a man I felt worthless. And then he came swept me off my feet, with his beautiful smile and amazing charisma. I fell for him, with all that I have. little did I know I was walking into hell on earth.

Hmmm, all was well until one night he came back in a bad mood and things took a turn in our house and it leads to him laying his hands on me. 

He was not the man I first met, the rage in his eyes and how his fists met my body all felt like he was possed by something. How I felt that night, I still can’t begin to explain it.

I found myself in a pool of blood, trying to figure out what is it that I did that enraged him. I had no answers, however, I felt responsible for his rage. And that was the beginning of my death.

Instead of standing up to him and leaving the following morning I stood by him and apologized for nothing. he sat in silence and took no accountability for what happened the previous night.

I wiped my wounds and brushed myself with heavy makeup to hide my bruised body. I dressed up and faked a smile the whole day with an aching body.

That first incident was just the beginning of more incidents and throughout all of them he never took accountability and I always felt responsible. I stayed because I believed he could change and he loved me. all because I believed my purpose was to find a man and stick next to him through thick and thin.

I should have left I know, but the illusion of love had me tied down to a monster that has always been there but I failed to see him for who he was because I was desperate to find myself a man to love.

The signs were there initially but I ignored them because “Monna was mo aga” and I thought I could do it. but here am I speaking from my grave with broken bones, a scarred body and a broken heart.
I cry for those who I left behind and are still sitting in abusive relationships holding onto beautiful memories they had while it was still sunshine and roses.

Please sis do not do the same mistake I did leave while your souls are still attached to your bodies because a lot of us are weeping in the spiritual realm thinking of all the pain we endured for the love of men. It’s not worth it.

We wish we had left in time, however, the soul left before the body could and all we can do is hope that the stench of our blood reaches deep in you to unlock your conciseness and free you from the shackles of abuse. you are worth it.

I am her
The one that stayed “until death do us part” and yes it did us apart. unfortunately, it came through the one that I loved the most. And even today I still blame myself.

And to all those who wonder why I stayed. I lacked so much self-love because I was not taught to love myself. I was made to feel incomplete without a man so I put my life in his hands hoping that he will be happy and I will be complete and now I paid the price. I lay silently in the dark pit, with so many regrets and no second chances to fix my life.

So if you have ever wondered why women love men who hate them, I hope I have answered you.

I am her
I left my home in a casket because I thought if I showed him that I am here to stay he will finally love me and accept but look at me today. I speak from the grave.

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    Felicia Seretlo

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